How does one grow from self-deception or wishful thinking to
self-awareness and courage in the act of facing reality and turning it
to good account? In exploring this question with me, perhaps you will
find some answers that will help you climb a few rungs on the ladder to
happiness.
Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy? Consider
the heavenly view of the world that young souls entertain at the height
of their innocence, when their youth has been surrounded by love and
filled with happiness. Hear their laughter. Dreams expand in a vacuity
of knowledge like a laughing gas and induce the blindest, the purest
joy.
Ignorance is bliss, as they say, because it spares us the mental
restraints associated with knowledge (which reveals the limits of
reality and hence the impossibility of our fantasies). It is the
ultimate playground where the mind can build castles in the air, create
a wonderland, and live delightedly in this kingdom of reverie. It paves
the way for the reign of error, as it leaves us to believe whatever we
like. Everything that is desirable is realizable, if not real, until we
find evidence to the contrary. Santa Claus eventually dies of our old
age – when we are no longer so young, so green, that we are easily
fooled by a tall story.
In truth, however wise we may be, we are still at risk. We
spontaneously indulge in fantasies about the world here below, which is
never totally known, or the beyond, which is unknowable. We are always
tempted to believe that our health, our relationships, our career, or
any other part of our life, will be wonderful, or that our death will
not be an end, but a passage from here to a paradisal hereafter. This
temptation is irresistible for many when they discover a charismatic
fortuneteller or spiritual leader who professes this belief, which
remains unproven nonetheless. Our believing is then the result of
ignorance and fantasy, plus faith.
An example of self-deceit that concerns young idealists and betrays
their warm-blooded aspiration for perfect love is the illusive passion
they often experience toward attractive members of the opposite sex
whom they little know. By perfect love I mean a complete and durable
harmony at every level – physical, psychological, intellectual, and
spiritual – between two lovers. It involves friendship to a high
degree, as the words “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” suggest. While it
includes lust, it transcends and transfigures it.
Pop songs are common vehicles for this ideal, which entices many young
souls. I am thinking of young men in particular, who are usually quick
to fantasize about pretty young women and fall madly in love with them,
or rather with a fantastical image of them. This quickness is typical
of their ardent and imprudent youth. It needs nothing more than a few
smiles and nods, a few gracious words of agreement, to make these young
men imagine they have found a soul mate, as they pour out their inner
self – their sense of what is good, true, right, or sacred. A few
auspicious signs and, voilà, they take the pretty young women for dream
girls and are besotted with them! A few misleading signs, in fact.
Every charm hides a cause for alarm.
If, in the struggle for survival and happiness, society is a cure for
individual limitations (an imperfect cure to be sure, with side
effects), it is also a pill hard to swallow. Civility is a smooth sugar
coating that eases the swallowing. Give thanks to those who phrase
their discontentment with delicacy and embellish it with a compliment
and an encouragement. No nagging, no gagging. Sometimes civility
excludes honesty and amounts to well-meaning or self-serving hypocrisy.
It turns into servility through a mix of kindness and weakness, or
through pure selfishness. One way or another, some people are fooled,
kept in the dark, while they should live wisely, in the light of
knowledge. They are denied truth: the opportunity to conceive of their
true situation and achieve their true purpose.
Young men, among the fantasizers I referred to earlier, are often lured
by the social graces of pretty young women. The poor fish take the hook
and eventually discover they have made a mistake, like many others in
the same boat. The dream girls were ordinary maidens or vixens who
first behaved and talked infinitely sweet, and later proved lovable in
a limited way or revealed their sour temper.
A long intimacy is a good test of a couple's true nature. It always
strips relationships of the silky appearance they sometimes have
initially, when seduction overrides every other consideration. This
appearance is superficial and deceptive like the outer layers of an
onion. Once it is removed, after a succession of changes that marked a
gradual return to naturalness, conflicts arise. The truth is uncovered;
tears are shed.
Many young fantasizers part from their lovers at this point. They
embark on another relationship until the next disillusion, the next
dissolution, then embark on another relationship, and so forth. They do
the same in other areas of life, starting this or that with high
expectations and quitting upon the first difficulties, time and again.
They never settle for less than perfection; they never build anything
to speak of.
Some of these fantasizers stop this nonsense after a number of
disappointments and finally change into brave realists. Their bravery
distinguishes them from other disenchanted souls who give up hope to
give in to laziness with a clear conscience. These defeatists confuse
their attitude with realism and suffer nullity or mediocrity rather
than fight for excellence, which is possible, unlike perfection. In
their view, humans are in their element only when fantasizing, like
fish when swimming. In fact, humans – who are adaptable – are closer to
amphibians than to fish. They can come back to earth without dying of
frustration, and even better, with a chance to live happily, thanks to
a blend of struggle and resignation that yields joy and serenity.
Brave realists know and accept the conditions and limitations of
happiness. They think it all the more precious as it has a high cost
and is bound to be lost sooner or later. They also understand that
although one may indulge in a fickle existence for a while, one must
eventually commit and apply oneself to a particular relationship,
study, or career, in spite of imperfections and difficulties, if one
wishes to achieve something worthy of mention. Nothing good can come
from a search for better that always leaves one thing for another.
