If you have seen one comedian, you have often seen many since they tend
to borrow the same jokes from each other. When it comes to the great
Steven Wright, however, everything is unique, bizarre and utterly
hilarious.
Who is Steven Wright? He is a sublime comedian who has to be seen to be
enjoyed. He once did an HBO special in a cardboard refrigerator box for
two people which should tell you everything you need to know. If not,
here are some of his quips on life.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
