The narcissist lacks empathy. Consequently, he is not really interested
in the lives, emotions, needs, preferences, and hopes of people around
him. Even his nearest and dearest are, to him, mere instruments of
gratification. They require his undivided attention only when they
"malfunction" - when they become disobedient, independent, or critical.
He loses all interest in them if they cannot be "fixed" (for instance,
when they are terminally ill or develop a modicum of personal autonomy
and independence).
Once he gives up on his erstwhile sources of supply, the narcissist
proceeds to promptly and peremptorily devalue and discard them. This is
often done by simply ignoring them - a facade of indifference that is
known as the "silent treatment" and is, at heart, hostile and
aggressive. Indifference is, therefore, a form of devaluation. People
find the narcissist "cold", "inhuman", "heartless", "clueless",
"robotic or machine-like".
Early on in life, the narcissist learns to disguise his
socially-unacceptable indifference as benevolence, equanimity,
cool-headedness, composure, or superiority. "It is not that I don't
care about others" - he shrugs off his critics - "I am simply more
level-headed, more resilient, more composed under pressure ... They
mistake my equanimity for apathy."
The narcissist tries to convince people that he is compassionate. His
profound lack of interest in his spouse's life, vocation, interests,
hobbies, and whereabouts he cloaks as benevolent altruism. "I give her
all the freedom she can wish for!" - he protests - "I don't spy on her,
follow her, or nag her with endless questions. I don't bother her. I
let her lead her life the way she sees fit and don't interfere in her
affairs!". He makes a virtue out of his emotional truancy.
All very commendable but when taken to extremes such benign neglect
turns malignant and signifies the voidance of true love and attachment.
The narcissist's emotional (and, often, physical) absence from all his
relationships is a form of aggression and a defense against his own
thoroughly repressed feelings.
In rare moments of self-awareness, the narcissist realizes that without
his input - even in the form of feigned emotions - people will abandon
him. He then swings from cruel aloofness to maudlin and grandiose
gestures intended to demonstrate the "larger than life" nature of his
sentiments. This bizarre pendulum only proves the narcissist's
inadequacy at maintaining adult relationships. It convinces no one and
repels many.
The narcissist's guarded detachment is a sad reaction to his
unfortunate formative years. Pathological narcissism is thought to be
the result of a prolonged period of severe abuse by primary caregivers,
peers, or authority figures. In this sense, pathological narcissism is,
therefore, a reaction to trauma. Narcissism is a form of Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder that got ossified and fixated and mutated into a
personality disorder.
All narcissists are traumatized and all of them suffer from a variety of post-traumatic symptoms: abandonment anxiety,
reckless behaviors, anxiety and mood disorders, somatoform disorders,
and so on. But the presenting signs of narcissism rarely indicate
post-trauma. This is because pathological narcissism is an efficient
coping (defense) mechanism. The narcissist presents to the world a
facade of invincibility, equanimity, superiority, skilfulness,
cool-headedness, invulnerability, and, in short: indifference.
This front is penetrated only in times of great crises that threaten
the narcissist's ability to obtain narcissistic supply. The narcissist
then "falls apart" in a process of disintegration known as
decompensation. The dynamic forces which render him paralyzed and fake
- his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and fears - are starkly exposed as
his defenses crumble and become dysfunctional. The narcissist's extreme
dependence on his social milieu for the regulation of his sense of
self-worth are painfully and pitifully evident as he is reduced to
begging and cajoling.
At such times, the narcissist acts out self-destructively and
anti-socially. His mask of superior equanimity is pierced by displays
of impotent rage, self-loathing, self-pity, and crass attempts at
manipulation of his friends, family, and colleagues. His ostensible
benevolence and caring evaporate. He feels caged and threatened and he
reacts as any animal would do - by striking back at his perceived
tormentors, at his hitherto "nearest" and "dearest".
